Top 10 Over-rated Nigerian Phenomena of 2007
Posted February 12, 2008 · Tolu Ogunlesi
1. Pyramid Schemes (Multi-Level Marketing)
2007 was the year of the Nigerian Pyramid Scheme, the year in which the latest incarnations of the schemes (having proven that they re-emerge from ignominy every few years) reached both their zenith and their nadir (two very nice-sounding words by the way).
They went by every conceivable kind of name, from the absurdist, ominous “Pennywise” to the bland “Treasure-line” to the cosy “Wealth Solutions.” All the schemes mentioned above sat at the paper end of the class, where signing up meant filling taxform-format documents. Huddled arrogantly at the far end of the class were the e-schemes – passworded, online real-time charts – 6k for You, Club Freedom and Club Getaway.
But all that these schemes achieved, online or otherwise, was a redistribution of wealth – the wealth flooding from the pockets of the mob-that-awoke-at-dawn-and-rushed-in-with-all-their-money to the vaults of the smart minority who never even went to bed at all.
2. The English Premiership
At its most violent, Nigerian passion for the English domestic league entails burying the jagged middle of a bottle in a best friend’s head – in the middle of an argument over which of Arsenal or Chelsea is THE GREATEST. The passion could also very comfortably take the form of the stabbed friend uttering the words “Up Gunners!” as his first declaration post-coma, 3 days later.
At the other end of the violent (but no less passionate) scale you will find bulgy-eyed, table-thumping fervor in public places (especially public places that conjoin sweating bottles of beer with oversized TV screens bearing satellite-borne images of football fields), accompanied by the ferocious wielding of salivashnikovs (the tongue as AK-47). The most creative argument I have ever heard has something to do with a list: Top 20 Players whose careers have been ruined by Jose Mourinho… or something of the sort
Yet, thus far no one I know has made a kobo arguing violently the finer details of ruined football careers, or over “Cashley” Cole’s salary. Or J. Mikel Obi’s age for that matter…
3. Home-grown “Repubmocrat” Politicians
The Nigerian Politician. A little to the right, a little to the left, all for the purpose of getting a little closer to the “National Cake”. The Nigerian Politician, the only constant in the yearly over-rated lists, ever since the men-in-khaki fell out of contention, is known for Staying Power. One good term deserves another. We are already seeing the myriad 2008 Budgets of Consolidation, of Elevation, of Emaciation, sorry Emancipation and of Consolidated Sophistication.
Nascent Democracy, Dividends of Democracy, No-Stones-Unturned – the phrases hardly ever change over the years. The only things that change are the asset bases of Swiss Banks, and property prices in Lagos, London and Abuja, courtesy of our electees, selectees, gourd-fathers and dis-appointees.
4. Imported Music Stars
Last year saw the continuation of a new trend in the one-way trade that is sometimes referred to as globalisation – the importation of music celebrities from America. The most fascinating import before the stars was toothpick, and this was from China.
The Black-Eyed Peas, Akon, John Legend, Shakira, Kelly Rowland, Michael Bolton, 50 Cent, Rihanna, Don Moen, all found their way in 2007 to Lugardsville, the biggest black township in the world. And they sure had fun. Some of them will definitely be considering relocating here on retirement (i.e. when their stars and turn-tables grow dim and silent in God’s Own Country). After all, Jay-Z got a street named after him here in Nigeria, on his 2006 visit.
Watch out for the day the Akon gets a Federal University named after him…
5. The Rule of Law
Oh sweet rule of law
How I wonder what you are
Up above Naija so high
Like a fugitive in the sky…
6. Nigerian Banks
Ever since Soludo kicked off the 1st ever Nigerian Banking Industry Marathon, the bankers have not stopped running. God knows that the finish-line is Dead, long rubbed out by the tireless thumping of 25 pairs of insatiable feet – hooves, or elephant feet more like. The runners are already breaching the stadium’s borders, chasing their feet all the way across the world – the poor kente cloth next door has already been trampled into submission. That is what Charles Chuks “Solution” Soludo has caused.
Unfortunately the typical swelling bank balance sheet is less organically-growing-body-part than malignant cancer. And, of course, who are we to forget the new improved Banking Awards. In the last one year every bank got the award of “Best Bank” for something or the other. In 2008, expect to see banking halls decorated with plaques reading stuff like “Most Awarded Bank of the Year.” Or perhaps at the end of this year we should be expecting a “Nigeria’s Top 25 Banks” award ceremony.
7. The Palms Shopping Mall
Yes, I was coming to this. The goddess of Shopping relocated to Nigeria in 2006, bringing along one of her shrines, and her bounteous tidings of great spendings.
By the way did you know that it wasn’t until the mall arrived that many Nigerians realised that Tejuoso Market was not a shopping mall. If you want to SHOP and be SEEN, The Palms’ is the only place to go. You should have seen the traffic jam at Shoprite’s payment counters on the 24th of December, 2007. If the Palms were to pack up its bags and leave Nigeria, we would witness within the Lagos metropolis the proliferation of strange ailments like Acquired Immune Palms Deficiency Syndrome, as well as social and sociological dysfunctions like increased juvenile delinquency, and an increased number of mentally-imbalanced folks strolling round Lagos wearing Shoprite or GAME plastic bags and conducting imaginary window-shoppings.
8. Reality TV
2007 was the year that Reality TV lost its sense of reality in Nigeria. Man, those guys (what do you call a person who thinks up a Reality TV show – a “TV-realist”?) just went crazy. Nothing was spared – from the Boardroom (The Intern) to the Bush (Gulder Ultimate Search) to the Bedroom (Big Brother) to the Backbone (Celebrity Takes 2) to the Bawdy (those idiots who missed their way into the Celtel Idols West Africa Audition Room), to the Big-Screen (Amstel Malta Box Office).
What does 2008 hold? A reality TV show that will involve the 25 Nigerian Banking CEOs? Title? What else: Soludo’s Quarters… Sponsors Wanted!
9. Niger Delta Militants
He who detonates a bomb and runs away, lives to detonate another bomb another day – motto of the Niger Delta Boys Scouts.
Who are these guys anyway? And why do they think they can kidnap and monopolise every “Breaking News”? Them and their jam-jar bombs and holey face-masks… Those boys are bastardising the profession of freedom-fighting. What baffles me is this: Why can’t we find jobs for some of those US Marines who, out of professional boredom are inventing and patenting new concepts and styles of Torture in Guantanamo. Let’s get ‘em yanks busy in the Niger-Delta. Port Harcourt will be a piece of cake compared to Port Basra. Let’s export them to Guantanamo the way they export bunkered oil to Europe. They need to know that Guantanamo is to Port Harcourt Prison what leather is to khaki…
PS: Cheering Note to The US Army: Have no fears! Nigerians have never been known to be suicide bombers… “
10. Nigerian Fashion (like fashion everywhere else)
Current fashion goes by different names. Avant-garde fashion, contemporary couture, blah blah. Have you ever wondered: who in their right mind would wear any of those (I call them) “contraperiments” (a cross between a contraption and an experiment) that fashion designers churn out on anorexia-and-delusion-infested runways? That groundnut pod gown. Or the 3 piece suit made from Ghana-must-go material? So who buys them? 2007 was also the year every Nigerian who had appeared on TV more than 5 times (and had thus qualified to be called a celebrity) emerged bleary-eyed from a season of creative entrapment with their own “out-of-this-world” Fashion Line. And you want to ask: when did making clothes for yourself and your entourage equal owning a Fashion Line?